23 of the best caddie one-liners
By T.J. Auclair · May 7, 2019
Playing golf is a blast.
But, playing golf AND taking a caddie is an experience that – good or bad – you’ll remember for a long time.
The best caddies know how to quickly get a read on their player and what makes him or her tick. They also know that golf is hard and a well-timed one-liner – particularly after a less than ideal shot – can lighten the mood and take the tension out of the player.
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At the end of the day, golf is about having fun, right?
Depending on the caddie, the player might need a thicker skin.
A while back, we asked our Twitter followers to submit some of the best caddie one-liners they’ve ever heard. And let’s just say: They didn’t disappoint. Some were downright ruthless.
With that, here are 23 of the best caddie one-liners that were submitted to us. You can click here to follow – or add – to the thread.
23. Player: “Right edge?”
Caddie: “I’m not sure. I don’t read putts for triple bogey.”
22. On a par-3 over water, the players asks, “Which club should I hit?”
The caddie replied: “The one that will get you over the water.”
21. At Waterville in Ireland, a golfer hits it into tall grass and asks the caddie, “Will we find it?”
The caddie’s response: “Lad, if that ball was wrapped in bacon Lassie couldn’t find it!”
20. To annoying player who is asking for a read on every 2-footer: “It’s two inches right of the left edge.”
19. After a long round at Lahinch, my buddy says to Bebe the caddie, “What do I owe you?”
Bebe says, “The first thing you owe me is a f***ing apology!”
18. There’s 237 to cover the water and 245 to the front edge of the green. The caddie hands the player a 3-wood. The player is perplexed.
The caddie looks at the player and says, “Nobody ever went to Yankee Stadium to watch Reggie bunt.”
Someone from China asked a Whistling Straits caddie if there were any whales in the water – clearly not understanding that the body of water around the course was Lake Michigan.
The caddie says, “The only whales we got here are in the Sheboygan bars.”
17. After a player drained a long putt for a big number, the caddie said, “Well isn’t that whipped cream on a pile of shit.”
16. After the player hits a tee shot right of right, the caddies quips, “Well, that shot there is going to be just shitty enough to be good.”
15. The player asks the caddie, “What’s over the green?”
The caddie replies, “Nothing but bogeys.”
14. After a player chunks it 50 yards short of the green on a par 3 and the ball falls into the marsh, he angrily asks the caddie, “Why didn’t you tell me that was there?”
The caddie snapped back, “Next time, let me know when you’re going to lay up on a par 3 and I’ll tell you.”
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13. A player asked his caddie’s advice on how to improve his game.
The caddie said, “Get your clubs adjusted to make them six inches shorter.”
The player asked, “What difference will that make?”
The caddie replied, “They will fit in your trash can better.”
12. At Ballybunion, the player is having a great round. But he blows it way right off the 18th tee and into some chest-high rough.
He hits a provisional.
As they’re walking past the spot where the first ball settled, the 16-year-old caddie says, “Forget it. That one’s in the ‘love grass.’ Once you’re in there, you’re f***ed.”
11. “That’s what we call a ripped pajamas putt… one ball out.”
10. As the player hits a short into a tree he declares, “They say trees are 90 percent air.”
Without missing a beat, the caddie says, “Yeah, so is a screen door.”
9. “It looked good from the blimp.”
8. On the 17th at Turnberry, a guy in the group has been hitting it in the hay all day. The caddie hands him a 5-iron.
The player says, “I didn’t fly all this way not to try and hit this green in two.”
The caddies says, “Aye, and I didn’t wake up this morning to look for your f***ing golf ball all day either.”
7. It’s a practice round and pros are talking clothing on a men’s tour.
Pro: “This shirt they sent me feels like a dress.”
Caddie: “You know what a dress feels like?”
6. After the player hits a driver that goes straight for 200 yards, but then peels off into a bunker, the caddie says, “That’s a ‘mother-in-law shot’ – it sure looked good leaving!”
At Waterville in Ireland, a golfer hits it into tall grass and asks the caddie, “Will we find it?”
The caddie’s response: “Lad, if that ball was wrapped in bacon Lassie couldn’t find it!”
5. At Bandon Dunes after a ball into a bunker, the player says to his caddie, “I bet that is going to be a fried egg.”
The grinning caddies says, “You’re going to need a shovel.”
4. “Well, you kept it out of the ocean,” caddie to player after player pulls tee shot into the rough on the ninth hole at Pebble Beach.
3. When asked by the horrible player, “Do you think I can reach the green with a 5-iron?,” The caddie said, “Eventually.”
2. “That was a ‘son-in-law shot.’ Not really what you were expecting, but you’ll take it.”
1. Someone from China asked a Whistling Straits caddie if there were any whales in the water – clearly not understanding that the body of water around the course was Lake Michigan.
The caddie says, “The only whales we got here are in the Sheboygan bars.”
Brillant…
Have one for you:
Caddie at Royal Portrush after I suggested hitting a 4 hybrid: How far do you hit that club laddie?
ME: many different distances
A lady member says to a caddie , should I hit a half wedge . The caddie says yeah hit half now and hit half later !
Whistling straits
Player- what ocean is this?
Caddie- the Michigan ocean
Forecaddie for the group says to me on the 6th hole, “You’ve got 210 to the front edge “. Looks at my buddy and says, “A good lay up on the left side would give you a perfect angle “. My friend didn’t talk to the guy the rest of the day.
Playing at Pacific Dunes I hit my best drive of the week – long and dead center. My caddie tells me ‘A lot of things went wrong simultaneously’.
This actually happened when I was a kid looping: Good club player on 16th hole in tight match says to me “I’m going to need a pro read here Jimmy”. I say back without missing a beat “it’s a shame I’m the only one allowed to help you, eh?”
The 14th hole, where I loop, is a par 3 with forced carry over a lake. I like to tell golfers, confused as to what club to select, “It’s easier to get up and down from long”. You’d be amazed at how few comprehend the point.
@Bandon Dunes I was facing a longish downhill putt.
Me: looks like it’s awfully fast
Caddie: she looks like a screamer but she’s really a moaner
After the player asks his caddy, “Who do you like caddying for the least here?” The caddy replies “You mean after you?”
Player: “you’re the worst caddie in the world”
Caddie: “impossible. That would be too much of a coincidence”
On the 18th hole after a particularly brutal round, the player says to his caddie “I should just walk out into that water and drown myself”. The caddie without missing a beat says “ with all due respect sir, you’d never keep your head down long enough”.
This one is courtesy of my buddy’s uncle who played in Scotland.
*Playing partner chips a shot, it hits the flag and drops in the hole*
Caddie – “That’s just like f***ing your sister – you’re not proud of it, but you’re in there!”
I was once caddying at Riviera in LA on hole 11. No names mentioned, this player missed his birdie put and threw the golf ball toward the next hole. I was holding his wedge which he used to hit to 8 feet. After he threw the ball I threw his wedge. Loved it.
Was playing Ballybunion new course with a junior caddie. My son is about 80 yards out and asks the kid the distance. His response “not to far.” At which point my son asked for his “not too far wedge.”
I was playing Formby after the Open and having an okay day, for me. On about the 16th hole my caddie say to the other caddie “Frank’s swing reminds me of that Miller fellow.” I bit, “Johnny” I say. His response, “Glenn.” We all had a good laugh.
When my buddy is facing a steep downhill putt I like to remind him: “The greens are a little slow today, I think you should hit the shit out of it”.
Asked caddie at Royal Dornoch: “Can I get there with a 5 iron”
Caddie: “Yes with that and a taxi ride”
Player has a 10 foot putt !
Asks caddie , what do we have here ?
Caddie “ it’s a cup on the right “
Player knocks it 8 feet passed and says “That didn’t break at all “
Caddie reply’s “ Neither do dragsters “
I like to tell my buddies when they hit it right of right on the hill in deep weeds, “uh-oh, that’s f****ing lion country, because if you find it, you’re f****ing lyin’.”
Playing at Medalist my playing partner duck-hooks a drive and then asks the caddie if his shot was still playable. The caddie shook his head and said, “I don’t think so sir, your shot is so far left, the squirrels don’t even f**k over there.”
Low hit ball bounces up the hill and to the top level where the pin is. Caddie: that was a sister-in-law shot. You’re on top, but you know you shouldn’t be.
My favourite line after watching a putt die right on the lip is to refer to it as “a woodpecker’s death.” Died at the hole
Scramble tournament on base with my boss, the Colonel, his boss the Two Star General and another Lieutenant Colonel. I’m a Captain playing to a 2. After 10 holes I hadn’t contributed 1 shot. On 11 tee the 2 Star says loudly to my boss, Thought you said he was a 2? My boss says I’m a bit of a weight on the team and I better hit it close. My caddy hands me a 7 and says keep your head down and do what the Colonel says. I almost whiff it and skull it right at the pin. Hits on the front fringe hits the pin half way up and drops into the hole. I turn to Colonel and say is that close enough?
Playing par 3 #16 at Cypress with wind hurting. I ask the caddie what the distance to the hole is. He responds, “for you about two……Titleist.”